I need a new chef crush.  Quite urgently.  For ages and ages it was Gordon.  So BOSSY (always a good thing in a crush, but in a chef crush?  Imperative).  A bit shouty, more than a bit sweary, but basically a nice guy.  At heart.  Deep down. Ok, really very deep down, some might say, but hey.  I believed.

And then, I didn't, any longer.  The whole poppers and professional mistress thing came out, and Gordon began to lose Michelin stars in my heart (I know, I bet he's devastated as well).  And he became more and more of a parody of himself, roaring at wannabe chefs in a way that had begun to seem ridiculous.  But still, I nurtured a little mini-crush.  A crushette.  I'm loyal, like that.  But then came the final cheese straw.  Gordon got his face - or, to be specific, his wrinkles, 'done'.  And that just killed it, for me.  If you're Simon Cowell you can get away with having everything from your hair to your little toes surgically enhanced - it's part of Brand Cowell.  Shiny, glossy and on the brighter side of orange.  But Gordon?  Whose whole image was based on honesty, on being a 'real man', on getting down and dirty and.... (Hmm, maybe something of the crush remains after all...)  No.  It's just wrong.

So.  Where to turn?

Marco Pierre White is the obvious replacement, especially given the two chefs long-standing and well-known feud.  And oh MY, those White Heat photos still set my pulse racing. But, frankly, I'm a little scared of him.  I think it was the crazed headscarf wearing in Hell's Kitchen.  Also, he's just not visible enough to really develop a proper crush on.

Heston is a contender.  He's good looking, just the right side of a bit mad (i.e. madder as opposed to saner), but he's a bit too a) nice and b) clean cut to be a proper chef crush.

Jamie, I hear you say? No, no, no.  Look, he's a nice guy.  And I genuinely applaud what he tries to do for children and food in this country. Really. His heart is absolutely in the right place.  But that's the problem.  He's just too nice, too much of a good guy for this role.

Anthony Bourdain's rugged bad boy thing will always have a special place in my heart, just as Kitchen Confidential does on my bookshelves, but see above re not around enough.  Look, boys, if you're going to make it to the top of the chef crush list, you need to be on TV.

Some girls like Hugh.  I can - kind of - see it, if you're into the foraging wild-man-of-the-wilderness thing.  But again, too nice.  Too domestic.  Not masterful enough.  And he's related to a friend of mine which makes him too close to home for the pedestal-esque swooniness of the chef crush.

So.  Who is going to fill Gordon's shoes?  Job description follows.

Chef Crush Requirements:

Must be:

Bossy

In control

Masterful

Visibly chef-ing

A bit rugged

Not BOTOXED (GR, I'm looking at you)

Oh, and don't even THINK about suggesting James Martin...