There are a great many differences between ladies and men: for example, ladies like cats and men like dogs; ladies like pink wafer biscuits and men like plain chocolate Digestive biscuits; ladies like flowers and men like logs. None of these is particularly important; we rub along together pretty nicely on the whole. There is, however, one difference that is very important, and that is that every month, most ladies have 'the periods'*, and men do not.
I am not Andrea Dworkin and I am not going to bang on about wimmin's rights, etc. We all know that if men had the periods, 'sanitary protection' would be free and delivered to your door, you would get a week off work to lie around and nurses would come round with hot water bottles and cups of tea, all free on the NHS. But men do not have periods so ladies who are in the office have to pretend it is not happening, and men who work with them are not allowed to comment (or even pretend to have noticed) sudden violent outbursts, random crying, paranoia, mild depression or chain-eating Ibuprofen, chocolate and cheese sandwiches. (For e.g. the last man to say "time of the month, is it?" was beheaded in Luton in 1973.)
And here is where my brilliant idea comes in. Rather than pretending the periods (and their accompanying symptoms) are not happening, let us talk about them openly. I am not talking about things like for e.g. what size Tampax you need etc; I am simply saying that if those with whom we worked (i.e. a lot of men) were aware when our periods were and how (and if) we are effected by them, then a lot of random behaviour would be forgiven and forgotten. For e.g., when it is the time for my periods, there is a morning of tearfulness, an afternoon of barely-surpressed aggression, and about a day and a half of mild gloominess. It has been like that for nearly 30 years and I doubt it is going to change now unless I a) have a baby; b) have an early menopause (I am 40).
But let us be realistic. "Talking" about it out loud with your mouth can be embarrassing, even with other ladies; heaven knows what it might do to the gentlemen! Instead, I propose a "Lady status report" that is put somewhere prominent, but out of the eyes of for e.g. visiting clients (next to the coffee machine, on the company intranet, distributed at weekly meetings, for e.g.). The "status report" will distribute the correct amount of information in a style that is succinct and useful and - best of all! - in a format that can be regularly updated.
I have assembled an example for your viewing pleasure; at the moment, it lurks pointlessly at the beginning of this post, so until I work out how to position it correctly, a nimble double click will open it up. And if you would like a copy of the template, just let me know: together, we can start a revolution.
* All expressions to describe the periods are awful, with 'time of the month' being, to my mind, by far the worst. My favourite is "on the blob", with a special mention to "having the painters and decorators in".
