Readers of my web-blog (which is far inferior to this one, but has its own charm), will be well aware of the definition of 'non-working'.  Sadly, however, I only have three readers (including Michael Flatley), and this tells me one thing and one thing only: that it is my duty to share the concept of 'non-workingness' with a wider audience. That way, the movement may spread beyond my front garden and into the wider world, e.g. Belgium and/or Turkey.

To help explain it, I have re-written an old post. Not because I am lazy, but because the sheer quality of my writing stands the test of time (like for e.g. Celia Aherne and James Joyce), so there is no point in 're-inventing the bloggy wheel', as Seth Godin once said. Anyway, here goes!!!

Often, I sit in my armchair, smoking a small clay pipe, supping on a glass of absinthe and inserting my tiny little monkey paw into a packet of Hula-Hoops. That is happiness, my friends; deep happiness. A happiness you can only feel if you are Truly Non-Working (in your heart). It is not to do with unemployment, holidays, being fired, or taking a day off. It is a state of mind.

What is "Non-Working"?

"Non-Working" is an international movement spearheaded by me.  When I started it, it  spread to the front door of my plush Brixton apartment and down the road a bit, but then I moved to Montreal, so now it is mainly based there (with me still at its helm). It is a state of mind; a way of seeing the world and in particular, the world of work. It is perfectly possible to go to an office every day, do a good day's work, commute a bit, have a sandwich with Colin in accounts, be paid, do your expenses, take telephone calls, wear a suit and steal stationery - in fact, do all the things that would usually add up to be "working" - and yet be "Non-Working". 

In essence, it is the strong desire to do very little (unless it's something you really like doing) and be answerable to no-one, whilst understanding that working is necessary in order to get money, which we need to live. (Unless we live in communes in trees and barter things, e.g. a dog on a string for a new jerkin.)

How do I know if I am "Non-Working"?

You are "Non-Working" if you work to get enough money to live. If you do not know where you see yourself in five years' time and couldn't care less, you are almost certainly "Non-Working". 

The benefits of "Non-Workingness"

Happiness usually comes with "non-workingness". Ironically, also, being "non-working" can often make people much better at their jobs. They are less irritatingly eager to please; they are less sycophantic; they are relaxed, and have time to think. They are often more creative, nicer to work with and better at stealing stationery. Strangely enough, they are often better managers because they, more than anyone, know that everything else is more important than work. As a result, they often inspire a strange and beautiful loyalty in their teams. 

How do I know if I am "Working"?

Oh, you'll know. (Clue: BlackBerry.)

I suspect I may be spiritually "Working" rather than "Non-Working". How do I change?

Cretin.

There are a great many differences between ladies and men: for example, ladies like cats and men like dogs; ladies like pink wafer biscuits and men like plain chocolate Digestive biscuits; ladies like flowers and men like logs. None of these is particularly important; we rub along together pretty nicely on the whole. There is, however, one difference that is very important, and that is that every month, most ladies have 'the periods'*, and men do not.

I am not Andrea Dworkin and I am not going to bang on about wimmin's rights, etc.  We all know that if men had the periods, 'sanitary protection' would be free and delivered to your door, you would get a week off work to lie around and nurses would come round with hot water bottles and cups of tea, all free on the NHS.  But men do not have periods so ladies who are in the office have to pretend it is not happening, and men who work with them are not allowed to comment (or even pretend to have noticed) sudden violent outbursts, random crying, paranoia, mild depression or chain-eating Ibuprofen, chocolate and cheese sandwiches. (For e.g. the last man to say "time of the month, is it?" was beheaded in Luton in 1973.)

And here is where my brilliant idea comes in.  Rather than pretending the periods (and their accompanying symptoms) are not happening, let us talk about them openly. I am not talking about things like for e.g. what size Tampax you need etc; I am simply saying that if those with whom we worked (i.e. a lot of men) were aware when our periods were and how (and if) we are effected by them, then a lot of random behaviour would be forgiven and forgotten. For e.g., when it is the time for my periods, there is a morning of tearfulness, an afternoon of barely-surpressed aggression, and about a day and a half of mild gloominess. It has been like that for nearly 30 years  and I doubt it is going to change now unless I a) have a baby; b) have an early menopause (I am 40).

But let us be realistic. "Talking" about it out loud with your mouth can be embarrassing, even with other ladies; heaven knows what it might do to the gentlemen!  Instead, I propose a "Lady status report" that is put somewhere prominent, but out of the eyes of for e.g. visiting clients (next to the coffee machine,  on the company intranet, distributed at weekly meetings, for e.g.). The "status report" will distribute the correct amount of information in a style that is succinct and useful and - best of all! - in a format that can be regularly updated.

I have assembled an example for your viewing pleasure; at the moment, it lurks pointlessly at the beginning of this post, so until I work out how to position it correctly, a nimble double click will open it up.  And if you would like a copy of the template, just let me know: together, we can start a revolution.

* All expressions to describe the periods are awful, with 'time of the month' being, to my mind, by far the worst. My favourite is "on the blob", with a special mention to "having the painters and decorators in".